The Partner Mirror

As a healer and shamanic practitioner, whenever I find myself going through something intense in life regarding my own spiritual and healing journey, it invariably happens that as soon as I have found my way through it, I get an urgent request for help from someone else who is also going through the same thing, and needs whatever navigational help and healing tools I have discovered.

This time, however, it happened a little differently ( though I may still get that call, and indeed have someone coming to be with me this weekend for an intensive healing time ). It seemed that the Universe wanted to tell me loud and clear that I had made the right choice, got the message, and that they were watching closely.

Recently, my husband and I hit a very rough patch in our relationship, as all relationships do.  It was make or break time.  Something very core to each of us, that continued to cause unhappiness between us had to change, finally, or, as I was feeling, we were not going to be able to continue.

What I have discovered as a healer is that couples come together not to be “soul mates”, but instead, to be with the person who can help them truly heal. Most people don’t see it this way, and as soon as the shine of the honeymoon or soul mate myth wears off, and the healing starts – in the form of issues and challenges they face in one another, people bolt, feeling betrayed and dismayed and overwhelmed with the difficulty of it, not having the tools they need to surf through.

What is almost always happening in these situations, however, is that each person is seeing – in the other – their own issue.  The partner serves as an amazing mirror, as “like attracts like”. This is one of The Laws of the Universe:  The Law of Attraction. Whatever wavelength or frequency you are broadcasting on, due to your internal landscape, what is going on inside of you, your wounds, your emotional makeup, your programs, your false beliefs – the person you attract will match it. The issues each partner have are usually pretty much identical, though they may show up in different ways, as each person struggles with it. Once you distill what is really going on, though, to the lowest common denominator, you will find, to your amazement, that the issue is exactly the same.

As a mirror, the partner is reflecting back something painfully rooted within oneself – usually this is a deeply buried something that is trying to come to the surface and into the light of day to heal. This is a great gift that the Cosmos gives us, for it gives us a chance to see ourselves and our problems, our wounds, and how they operate in the world – what gets created from them. Just as we look into a real mirror to see how we look, this mirror can show us if we aren’t “looking the way” we want to, and thus we can change it. It’s a huge opportunity to heal. However, what also usually happens is that each person only sees this as a terrible problem that the other person has, and rails and flails against it…and eventually they break, and leave.

My husband and I had hit this point.  Although we had both done a tremendous amount of work on ourselves, this issue we were each facing, each in our own way, was so deep and so difficult, seeming to arise again and again, that I was exhausted, feeling so hurt, and ready to end it.  Eventually, after a very painful time, we sat down at the kitchen table and spoke deeper truths to one another then ever before. Both of us were willing to see our part in it, to see what was really happening for each of us, and the dark and hurtful places where it was coming from.  We had done this before, but this time we were even more honest, and we spoke of things that had not been spoken. My husband especially, led us through this healing, reminding me of what was happening, and what we were to one another, and what we had come in to heal.  He was not giving up. We realized, once again, that we were mirroring these painful wounds for one another, and we accepted our responsibility to heal it in ourselves. Something changed.  It is often miraculous, I have found, that by accepting and seeing ourselves in this way, having what needs to be healed truly brought out into the light of day ( and then, of course,  practicing doing it differently, as each moment arises – being mindful of what we are doing, and making a different, better choice ) it is as if the Universe turns, and something new can be birthed. We felt the shift, and were able to come back together.

Later that day, we went into town to do a laundry, needing to wash the old blankets we had bought for our upcoming Sweat Lodge Ceremonial weekend.  Because they were so bulky and so many of them, we went to a laundromat, something we never do, as we have our own washer and dryer.  At the laundromat, a woman began to talk to us.  She was a small, stout, well worn and weathered, been through the mill little woman with a strong Southern Appalachian accent. A born and bred on the mountain folk.  She began to show me pictures of her dog, “Sugar Booger”, who is her baby, and her home, and all of her found treasures, speaking to me of her health and body issues. It was an unusual and out of the blue thing. I was a bit surprised by the whole thing. After a while, as my husband and I were folding the blankets together, all of a sudden she said: “He helps you with the laundry??”  To us, this was no big deal, as we do this sort of thing together all the time.  I blinked and said “Yes”.  And she said: “You’ve got an amazing man there!  I don’t know any men who would do that.  I never had that. He’s a GOOD MAN! You’ve got a GOOD MAN there!”  And then she looked at me and said, “And I’m sure you must be good to him, too.”  I blinked again, a bit dumb struck.

She rapid fired at me: “Most men aren’t like that. Does he beat you?”  I said “No”.

“Does he cheat on you?”  I said “No.”

Does he do cocaine?”  I said “No”.

Does he get drunk all the time?” I said “No.”.

“Well, there you see.  You got a GOOD MAN there!”

My husband meanwhile is grinning hugely at me, his eyes glinting.

At that point, an African American man had joined in the conversation, and he said “Yes!  That’s a GOOD MAN!”

My husband grinned at me again, his eyes catching mine.

As we walked out of the laundromat, blankets in hand, my husband laughed, threw back his head, gave a loud sort of yippee and said: “THANK YOU UNIVERSE! THANK YOU!!”

And I said, “Alright, alright.  I know Divine Intervention when I see it.”

We had made the right choice.

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